The Dating Games: Resuming

After my time offline I wasn’t really planning or thinking about dating. In fact, it’s been a long while since I last met up with someone…it just doesn’t pay off lately… However, last week I got a message from a guy on Grindr and I was in a good mood, so I engaged in a conversation. No picture first (meh!), but later he happened to be really handsome and attractive! I’m not going to lie, that definitely got my attention…

(And bear with me…this is going to be a ‘let’s put you in context first’, long, entry.)

Let’s call him Libra – and for those of you who know some Libra and Aries…you may already be thinking that…no, this won’t be easy.

Libra is in his mid-thirties, lovely blue eyes, lovely smiles…he works in another city (45 mins from here) but spends time in a house he’s got closer (20 mins from where I live).

We started chatting and eventually decided to meet the same day (or evening, rather). Friggin’ cold night. He came to pick me up and we went for a walk along the beach.

It was great, it really was. Although, I realised that he’s of the ‘teasing’ type (talking about jokes here!). This can be fun, but also annoying when you’re trying to avoid a ‘serious’ topic…And, in the long run, you just don’t know if he’s actually interested or just all pally…

The first ‘huh’ moment was when, after asking me if I had to go early home (to which I -obviously- replied ‘No’) he just drove me home.
As simple as that.

Now, call me paranoid, but I thought he just didn’t want thing to develop from there. As it happens…he did, later on (because we had a long conversation in the car) he told me that, since I had put me security belt as soon as we got in the car, he assumed I wanted to go home.
This part would be key in the following conversations.

game-of-dating-gay

It was nice nevertheless. We kissed (yay!). And the date ended.

The second ‘huh’ moment was chatting on WhatsApp. I was trying to ‘read’ him, to see if he enjoyed himself. At the end I just: ‘Hey, joke aside. I really enjoyed myself today! Would love to get to know you more, If you want, of course’.
Answer? ‘It’s just 20 mins.’

I wanted to be upset, but I just LOLed. I was maybe expecting a ‘Yeah, sure.’ But ‘It’s just 20 mins.’ Wasn’t ready for that!

He had to go back to the other city for work, so we kept chatting via WhatsApp…a lot… but still no sign of a clear, out-spoken interest. And yes, to me that’s important.
I need to know if the person is in, or not.

This weekend he has a couple of day, se he came back. Now, I was truly hoping that he’d make time for us to spend some quality time and get to know each other…but it didn’t happen.

The first day, he said he was going to a mall that was close to my house, and whether I wanted to join him, which I did. We had a nice time, and he drove me again home. More chatting and quite more kissing (a bit heated up this time!). He told me that he’d probably drive back to the other city the next day, and meet some friend before that, so I assumed that was it.

The third ‘huh’ moment is when I went back to Grindr to check first chat we had and I realised it wasn’t there. Weird. I thought I may have blocked him accidentally?
I opened the app in another device…and there he was.
I thought it was really weird…it’s not like we have anything yet…why blocking me?

In this situations I prefer to just talk with the person. ‘Hey! You didn’t have to block me on Grindr LOL *wink* *wink* Went to check some pics you sent me and you’re not there!’. 
Answer: ‘I deleted the app.’
Me: ‘You’re still online.’
Answer: ‘Must be my tablet, it keeps it always online automatically.’

Let’s get something clear. This is not a big deal. But I hate being lied to. I truly do. It just make it impossible for me to trust that person again.

(Note: Grindr profiles are individual across devices. Had he deleted his Grindr app, I wouldn’t be able to see that one, but would definitely be able to see the one in the app.
Note 2: I’m do IT stuff. If you’re going to lie, lie about stuff I don’t know about!)

Anyway, I decided not to mention it. I really wanted to give him a chance.

We had been joking about me giving him a massage, and me owing him the massage, etc… And yesterday evening (like 21h. evening) when I was hinting that ‘I’d have to do something for dinner’… he reminded me that I owed him that. I took his hint and offered to go where he lives, but then he noted that he couldn’t be awake until late…

Let’s stop here. Yes, I was expecting him to invite me to spend the night, or at least have dinner, or watch a film, or talk for hours! Anything really.

But not ‘Yeah come here give me a massage, but don’t stay long’. That’s sounds more like an ‘excused’ sex-date…which we all can get plenty off!

So I told him that it was going to get late, and if he was planning to be on the road early, we should better do it another day with more time.
Answer: ‘As you want. Just remember that I don’t live in this city.’

And I snapped.

For those who know Aries well…you know how it works. It’s just 5 mins. If you can endure it, everything is fine. And if you like the Aries, you will endure it. It pays off.

I told him that I was getting a bit tired of always taking the initiative, and only getting teasing and joking in return.

Some of the teasing hadn’t been very good either…It’s okay to tease, but sometimes it gets close to mocking. Asking whether I had ‘any gay friends’ (which I don’t really…not a gay scene person), joking about the ‘girly’ drinks (WTH is that even supposed to mean?) I usually drink… It’s just not nice.

So, of course, he kind of ‘WTF?’-ed. He didn’t like it. I realised it, but it was too late.

I tried to explain and elaborate — but I guess it was too late too.

We’re still chatting, and he said that he didn’t want to break contact. But, of course, it is not the same.

On the one hand, I know that I overthink everything…too much. That I might have been selfish here, expecting too much.

On the other hand, I am tired of putting so much  things that don’t give back to me. On someone that won’t at least say ‘Hey, I’m really looking forward to meet you again!’

And here I am, going through everything I said and thinking about whether I simply messed up very badly…or it wasn’t just me, and was doomed to happen.

Anyway, I’m glad to be back and be able to share some of this stuff here!

 

image: moon-drenched beach by André van Rooyen
Breakaway by Wayne Stadler

Breakaway

It’s been a few months since I last wrote in the blog, mainly because I’ve been busy busy: I finished my BA this year (yay!), and leaving the final project for the last minute might have been a less than ideal idea…

So, what’s next? Looking forward to continue with a MA, but most likely abroad, and that means I need to save up some money!

After all that last-minute rush and a busy Summer, I feel like things are falling back into place. Without the added pressure and work I can now take a look around…and to be honest, I don’t like what I see.

I know what you’re thinking…‘Well, go and change it!’ But is not that easy (is it, ever?).

I have grown tired of many things that I used to enjoy; and many other that I wanted to do.

I am also done with my share of people who don’t actually care. And with caring I mean the real thing: genuinely caring about how you are or how you feel.

As pessimist as all this may sound, I know it is not that bad. And I understand that what my head is asking for is a Breakaway.

It is a very me thing — maybe an Aries thing too. But every now and then I need to hit the ‘Reset’ button, break away with everything, and start again.

I cannot stand when things get stagnant — it makes me feel really sick.

Breakaway by Wayne Stadler

I used to Breakaway more easily, but with time that has changed. I’ve learned to think twice, thrice and a million times before breaking away from situations, or people.

In a sense, I feel like the problem right now si the million times that I’m pondering, without making any final decisions.

It is also Autumn time! And Autumn always brings self-reflection and contemplation. Which sounds great, but it is actually a nuisance.

In the midst of all this, I only hope that, whatever the choices, I will end up where I am supposed to be.

photo: Breakaway by Wayne Stadler
BuzzFeed Video

Men’s Standards Of Beauty Around The World

In a my previous article Real (Gay) Men (Don’t) Have Curves, I talked about the new trends on men beauty, and the increasing media or social pressure in men’s standards of beauty.

Buzzfeed has created an amazing video showing the diversity of Men’s Standards of Beauty around the world, with some shocking statistics like an increase of 70% in men’s beauty products between 2012 and 2014.

But, above all, I am glad to see other aspects, like ‘Objectification of Men’ mentioned in the video.

You can also fin the original article by Eugene Lee Yang here.

Another thing that called my attention after reading a comment in the YouTube video, was the reaction to the video (and the article) itself by several women. The YouTube user Bobster930, mentions:

It kind of annoys me that a majority of comments are girls lusting over the men in this video. The point of the video is to highlight beauty standards that are largely unobtainable for a lot of men (especially the slides that mention that surgery is increasing in numbers), I don’t know, it just irks me that a lot of women aren’t taking this video very seriously especially considering if this video was reversed gender then girls would be going on about how unfair beauty standards in society are smh (and this is coming from a girl, not a guy, btw). 

I have witnessed other videos or article like this one with reversed gender. And I have been one of those thinking: “Oh god, would you please stop? You’re missing the point here”. As stupid as obvious as this may sound…yes, it seems it wasn’t just a ‘men’ thing.

BuzzFeed Video

BuzzFeed Video | Via youtube.com

The thing is (or at least what I consider crucial in this topic) that we are on the verge of a major social change. Discrimination against women still has to be address, but we also have to start addressing to address similar forms of discrimination and social pressure on men. If we fail to do this, we will see ourselves trying to fix that in our few decades time.

While standards of beauty are, ultimately, something really personal, the portrait of media is key when it comes to offering an images based on diversity and plurality.

The tendency towards diversity, as the video (and the studies) suggest, is already there. We just have to make it (more) visible in our society.

BuzzFeed Video | Via youtube.com

BuzzFeed Video | Via youtube.com

Why I won’t vote for Sweden on Eurovision: Måns Zelmerlöw and Gay Discrimination

Like many of you probably did too, I followed yesterday’s Eurovision second semi-finals (would love to know which ones are your favourites! Please comment!).

I hadn’t been following the contest this year, so I was quite surprised when I saw Måns Zelmerlöw’s performance. I truly liked it! Yes, are labelling it as ‘a copy of’ or ‘commercial’, but it’s catchy, and I like commercial (even though I was expecting ‘we are the heroes of our times, but we are…carrying-with-the-friggin-demons-of-YOUR-past).

The thing is, as I was watching the video of the son, I found another one of Måns Zelmerlöw doing a ‘wrecking ball’ naked for an event of the QX gay magazine. I suddenly asked myself if he was gay or not, so I did a quick search and found out that in 2014 he made a few statements about gay people; and how men sleeping with other men is abnormal.

You can find the video here; it’s in Swedish, though.

Now, I know that people say that he was a bit tipsy. I know that the context was a very relaxed one. I realise that he shortly prompted with a ‘there isn’t anything wrong with it at all.’ I am also aware that a far right website soon used those comments in its advantage and he apologised for it and said that he does not support it.

But I am still not okay with it.

While talking about this with a Swedish acquaintance he told me that he knows some people who know him personally, and that he isn’t a biggot.

I haven’t said he is. I haven’t said he is an homophobe either. I don’t know him. All I can say is that, in a certain context, he made an statement that I don’t agree with. And that’s perfectly fine.

In fact, I would have preferred if he has clarified it: ‘Hey, I admit that that’s what I think, but that’s my personal point of view and I have the upmost respect for gay people about individuals. I just don’t share their view on homosexuality’.

Because what happens with personalities in the ‘public scene’ is that you can’t really tell whether they are being sincere or they’re simply following a very well pre-written script — specially when their career (or, in this case, the result of a context) depends on it.

When I tweeted about it yesterday, someone asked:

Well, that’s called Public Relations.
And I can say I know a bit about that, since my two fields of study have been related with communication (Marketing and also Protocol).

Again, I am not saying that he is an homophobe. I have seen gay people argue against adoption in same-sex families, against same-sex marriage, and even against homosexuality ‘being natural’. In fact, the argument of our biological and ‘natural’ (whatever that means) predisposition is a very logical one.

I have also seen many people using awful words without any kind of ill will, like the typical ‘Oh…don’t be a faggot’ (which is quite common where I live). And, yes, I seriously believe that they don’t realise what they’re actually saying.

But I cannot support that. I cannot condone that.
Because, in the world we live in nowadays, where gay people are being murdered, stoned, pushed from rooftops by extremist groups, discriminated and bashed everyday, statements like those (yes, even amended ones) are the ones that perpetuate such attitudes.

Without doubt, many will say ‘But it’s a SINGING contest’.
Theoretically, yes. But we know that it has never been just about that (for goodness’ shake, look at the voting pattern of some countries!).

It isn’t a big deal, I was doubting anyway. And I will most probably go for Italy! (Yay! Hate the videoclip, though :P).

When I say that I am an idealist (like I’ve said in previous posts) I really mean it. And my idealism permeates every aspect of my life. Yes, including voting in a silly contest.

I won’t vote for a world where people are excused after making comments like that. You can apologize for swearing, or using a specific wording that you didn’t know was offensive to a specific collective.

But not after an elaborate explanation of a personal point of view. And not when the apology is after the cat is out of the bag, and so quick. People don’t ‘suddenly’ change their mind when they’re ‘caught’.

As I said, I would have preferred him to stick to the truth. But hey, that’s just me.

Jumping in the Sunset by thrill

To jump if you fall; to fall if you jump

I have probably said this before, in one of the previous articles, but I am an idealist. And, as super-cool as this may sound, it can become something quite challenging, and hurtful.

To keep it short, I am almost unable to do something if it isn’t in line with my ideals. These, of course, change with time (while I can be pigheaded, I also believe that I have the ability to change swiftly).

I despise playing devil’s advocate for a long period of time, and truly dislike people who do it on a regular basis. I trust people, maybe too much, because I expect them to be as truthful and clear as I’ve been with them.

But, above all, I dislike double standards. I cannot understand how some Christians can refer to the Bible to justify adamantly such abhorrent acts, and then ignore those other passages which are not suitable for them. But I dislike even more those who criticize such a behavior and yet, (unconsciously) perpetuate it.

To me, there is no cherry-picking. You are in, or you’re not. I don’t (and probably will never) understand turncoats; people who hold some ideals in some aspect of their lives, and then they spit on those same ideals simply because it’s ‘easier’.

Of course it is easier. It will always be easier to give in than to hold true to one’s own ideals in every single aspect of our lives.

As an Aries (and idealist) this has become a bit of a curse for me – we are natural trailblazers. If you need someone to start a project, to fight for something, use an Aries (don’t trust them to keep it alive for a long time, though, we’ll get bored).

This means that a lot of people expects you to take the lead, and the risk. A lot of people expects you to speak out, and challenge everything. A lot of people expects you to be the spearhead. And all that you get is silent support. Eventually, you become a scapegoat.

Jumping in the Sunset by thrill

The ‘funny’ bit about this, is that none of the parties are aware of this situation. Most of the times it happens in a very friendly context. And it’s only when things have gone too far, when the consequences become apparent.

In a sense, being the trailblazer has never bothered me. And I am of the belief that, at the end, we are all alone (though, not lonely). We stand on ourselves, and that way we can support and help other when they need it.

The Team

Having said that, I recently found myself in a very particular situation. I have never been good at teamwork. I’ve always been the ‘Just leave it. I’ll do it’ kind of person.

The last months I’ve been able to be part of the most extraordinary team. A team were each of the pieces are key. A team where everyone is looking after the other.

But, above all, a team where the support is not silent – at all. A team where, before you even have time to get offended by some comment of a third party, you find another member of the group addressing it.

A team where, while you can become a temporary trailblazer, you know that they just behind you, holding you there.

This may be, of course, because we are all working for the same goal. But I do remember that when I told me about a LGBTQ project that I was planning, they all wanted to be there. They all wanted to support me. No matter what. Not silently, but very very loudly.

And I know deep in my heart that each of them would support me on it, in the same way that they do in our current project, even though they can’t fully relate to the LGBTQ movement.

It makes me sad though, to know that these amazing people are willing to get fully involved in something which isn’t even much related with them, while others play devil’s advocate and perpetuate double standards.

Like someone told me many years ago:

‘To jump with you if you fall,
To fall with you if you jump.’

photo Jumping in the sunset by thriol under Creative Commons
A perfect moment by Anne Makaske with Darwin Bell

Why Being Gay Meant Giving Up on Love

Many people talk about the challenges of being accepting one’s sexuality and going forward with it (many times known as ‘coming out’ — even though this is not a necessary step), but very few seem to realise that this process goes beyond the bullying and being able to date men (or/and being legally able to marry them).

Even for those who advocate for same-sex marriage, the scope of the subject seems to be limited to one single aspect, and the rest remains hidden. Don’t get me wrong, it’s completely understandable. I couldn’t fully understand what it’s like for a black person to face life in today’s society either.

Things have also change so quickly in the last decade, and this post may not reflect other people’s experience.

The thing is, while coming out as a gay guy was liberating, it also meant giving up on love. As soon as I became aware of it, any dreams of having  (what is understood as) a normal life, faded away.

It meant renouncing to sneaking love letters in the lockers; endless calls; dating someone from your class; dating someone and introducing him to my parents; the first family meetings…and all that jazz.

It also meant dating in chatrooms with men who only want to have a quick fuck; not meeting in an open place; watching over my shoulder.

Every scene of every film, every book and magazine, featured a nice girl and a boy falling in love. In some rare cases, they also featured they bullied gay guy, or the closeted married guy.

Sometimes, I even wished I was a girl — not because I didn’t feel comfortable with my body, but because that way, I had been be able to have all those things (of course, we all know that not every person has them, but in my case it was virtually impossible).

A perfect moment by Anne Makaske with Darwin Bell

In short, it meant realizing that I didn’t have the chance to have what was considered a ‘normative’ love life.

More than a decade after that, things have changed. I am not sure if it has become easier for teen gay guys (I hope so! Stories like this straight guy asking his gay friend to prom really make me happy). But even with all this tolerance and gay marriage, we still live in a society that has been tailored for heteronormative relationships.

It’s only recently that gay couple have started to be featured in mainstream films and series without being the ‘token gay character’.

To me, as a now adult gay guy, it’s still difficult to see myself in the future. It’s still blurry.

Where we had chatrooms, we now have apps and, like I said in a previous article, the dating process is far from ideal.

All of the above doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on Love, but just the way I felt more than a decade ago and, inevitably, it has shaped the way I feel now.

I truly hope that, in the coming years, this will change. I hope that my children (If I have any) will be able to watch a film an identify with the main love story. I hope they will be able to fall in love like the silly and fearless teenagers they are — with whomever they want. I truly hope society has a place for them.

For some of us it’s a bit late, but we’ll keep working and fighting, so that they don’t have to. They’ll have to fight other battles, for sure, but I hope that this one is not one of them.

photo, a perfect moment by Anne Makaske under Creative Commons
Birthday Candles by Selena N. B. H.

Happy Birthday to Me: Inventorying

Another year passes, not that I was really looking forward to cross the ‘mid-twenties’ mark (I should really change the About section), but hey! time goes on, and that is good.

Every year for my birthday I like to do an Inventory – to look back at what has happened that year, the achievements, the major (and also minor) events, and also what I believe I have lost.

Above all, I ask myself every year if I’m satisfied with it.

As you me have guessed from other entries, I’m an idealist. It may sound very nice, but it really isn’t. Whatever I do in my life has to have a meaning a resonate with my highest ideals; whether it’s taking the trash out, finding a job or even writing an article.

A few years back I came to the conclusion that I have a limited amount of time in this life: 80 years, maybe? (maybe more, who knows) And that all I wanted to do was to live that life in a way that would make me proud. It doesn’t matter whether I get to have a nice house and wonderful job position, as long as I remained true to what I believe.

That makes me happy.

After High School I ended up moving to a bigger city and living/working there. I remember that I got in touch again with an old ex of mine, and when I told him where I was living he replied: ‘Dreams really do come true, huh?’.

I had forgotten that,a few years back, I was dreaming to move to that city. Once I had achieved it, in a very subtle way, I had completely forgotten it.

Since then I like to do Inventory every year. I like to look back and be aware of the things I have lived that year.

But, above everything, I like to feel that, if I die tomorrow, I will be proud of everything I have done – no regrets. There are always some tiny things that I would have done differently, of course. But even those, are probably left better that way, since they may have conditioned bigger events.

So! Happy Birthday to Me! And a lovely day for all of you from this Aries Gay Man though his midlate-twenties.

Pic: Birthday Candles by Selena N. B. H.
Word of God, Word of Men

The Word of God, The Word of Men

Because of my involvement on Interfaith Dialogue (and many times also due to the mere fact of being a gay spiritual person) I often find myself in the middle of discussions about belief and religion. Most of those are with Christians – probably due to a simple matter of percentage. In this article I wanted to share a piece and some musings of that experience.

Several of the above-mentioned discussions end up covering trending social topics, and most of them (with this Christian flavour) seem to go hand-in-hand with the Bible.

I have read and studied the Bible in the past (although I have a terrible memory, so don’t expect me to start random-quoting), and i find that it could be a very inspiring book. And, in that sense, a now tons of other books which I consider as inspirational as that one.
Yes, this one is ‘inspired by God’, but still written by men.

The latter seems unsettle some people. On the one hand they don’t seem to understand how could someone question the word of God. On the other,  they don’t seem to understand how can I be both a spiritual and religious person, and ‘ignore’ the word of the Divine at the same time.

First of all, there seems to be sense of ‘possesion’, in which we would belong to God because we all come from ‘him’.
Well, let me tell you this: you do not own your children. Let alone your grand-children, grand-grand-children and so forth…

They are all individuals on their own. For a very limited amount of time, parents and tutors may look after them (limited by Society’s ethical standards and laws, of course). But they are still individuals with their own minds and rights (I talk more about this in my article Microagressions and the Youth).
We cannot expect to controls their lives, it doesn’t matter whether we created them. Those are thing that are give out of love, expecting nothing in return, let alone aiming to keep them under our control.

In that sense, I don’t feel obliged obey. It’s as simple as that.

The Word of (the) God(s)

Then how (many seem to wonder), how can you be a religious person? How can you ignore the word of the Divine?

Well, I don’t.

In my religion we have (and encourage) a direct contact with the Divine. We do not have intermediaries, or a ‘revealed word’. The ‘revelations’ are experienced by each of the practitioners throughout the rituals – this leads to a very personal experience of it.There’s something called UPG (Unverified Personal Gnosis) that may describe it.

The above means that the experience of each individual is going to differ from the experience of the person next to him/her.
It may sounds very convenient, but it isn’t. Such a personal approach to a mystical or religious experience requieres a lot of self-conciousness, self-criticism, and self-analysis.

Having a religious approach in which individuals can and do experience the Divine directly means that you can’t tell another person ‘You’re wrong’ or ‘That’s not what God thinks’.

What is the use of it then? Any use you take from it.

And this is like the difference of doing something, or doing something just to take a pic of it and post it on Instagram. Nobody is going to be there to pat you on the back and tell you that you are ‘right’, you have to do the job and get the best out of it.

So, yes I do believe in the Word of God (or the Goddess, the Gods, the Divine, the First Spark – sometimes the Big Bang). But it’s only the Word of God as long as I experience it, and take the best of it.
When I preach it to others, force it onto others, or discriminate against other based on my own experience, the Word of God becomes the Word of Men.

It doesn’t matter how well-meaning we are, once we take the word out, write it down, and label it as ‘God inspired’, it becomes the subject to misinterpretation and abuse. Sometimes we thing that sharing it with the world may inspire them! But, instead of giving them the tools to discover their own ‘truths’ we give them ours.

On Religion

As many of you may have guessed, this kind of discussion always ends up with someone questioning my religion as such.

‘How can it be a religion if each individual can interpret their own experience?’

Because we come together.

Religion from Lat. re-ligare (to bind).

How can a family be a single unit in certain levels, if it’s composed of different and diverse individuals?
Because there’s a bond between them.

Marx said that Religion is one of people’s opium. I don’t think so; I think that it’s very misused tool. If religion becomes a tool for power instead of a tool for personal experience and improvement, then it’s not a religion anymore.

Double Standards: Patronising Gay Media

Double Standards: Patronising Gay Media

A while ago I set up a Twitter account (@AriesGayMan there, by the way, in case you want to follow!) and so far, it has been a lovely experience. There are very nice people around (if we exclude the random naked pic requests…).

Twitter usually suggest which accounts you might be interested on following, and a few days ago I started following the @Gay account. No big deal until this appeared on my Twitter feed:

My first reaction was a pure and loud ‘What the actual f*ck?’. I couldn’t believe what I had just read. However, since I am aware that there’s a trend for attention-grabbing, catchy, articles titles, I decided to take a look at it.

I wish I didn’t. I would have avoided reading things like:

Don’t treat him like a superstar.’ ‘Stop looking away!’ ‘Understand that not all hot dudes are assholes.’ ‘Be proud of yourself.’ ‘When he says “yes,” know that he had a choice.’ ‘Never change your personality.’

I can’t even begin to describe what’s ‘wrong’ with those statements, not in one, but so many levels. The are cheap, assuming, patronising… the list is endless.

Don’t get me wrong, I am okay with ‘cheap’, teenage-magazine like, articles – like this article about Tips for Pain Free Anal Sex or 30 Ways to Be a Better Boyfriend to Your Man, but this articles, crosses the line.

Like I mentioned in a previous articles, there are some lines which we should not cross. It seem that some people believe, that just because we are discriminated as gay people, we are entitled to do the same to others. We aren’t, and that has a name: Double Standards.

During the last decades we have been fighting for discrimination and minor forms of aggression. Many of those have been directly involved or related with bullying and self-esteem issues (which only seems natural considering what most of the young gay people would go through).

It’s despicably ironic to think that we would be the ones perpetuating the same stereotypes and behaviors that once made us feel the worst of humankind.

Yes, I have talked about this in my article “Real (Gay) Men (Don’t) Have Curves”, but it seems that this kind of behaviour is starting to branch to more aspects of our lives, and beyond our dating apps. Specially if ‘articles’ like these are being featured in the media.

What we can do

Usually, I like to give some alternative whenever I address a topic of concern – say something productive. However, in this situation, there isn’t much that can be done, apart from addressing the topic and becoming aware of it.

Yes, I am sure that there was no harm intended. Yes, language is tricky. But we cannot ask others to change their language and stop using words like gay as an insult or adjective (even without harmful intention) while we keep perpetuating awful clichés in a very patronising way.
An article that ‘encourages’ us to ‘be ourselves’ and ‘not change our personalities’ in order to attrackt an ‘Out of Our League’ (Seriously, what’s that suppose to mean?) dude, is not the best example.

Let’s try to change that, shall we?

A good start is to address them in an assertive way:

Symposium by Teseum

Diary Note: Mr. Partnered Wants to Get Laid

I have been struggling about whether I should post this here or not. First of all, it doesn’t seem truly relevant for any of the readers. And, on the other hand, it doesn’t server any purpose.

However, when I started this blog I decided to make a safe-place of it – a place where I could write stuff ‘just because’. So…here we go!

Yesterday was the usual Sunday in Grindr: people ‘chillin at home’ (a.k.a. looking to get laid) and I got a message from my ‘ye auld friend’ Mr. Partnered.

I met him about 9 years ago, I think I was 15 or 16 at that time, and it was through a chatroom (not apps at that time!). At that time I didn’t even have internet at home, and I had to go to a cybercafé to get online. He lived in the same neighborhood where this café was located.

We chatted and, eventually, we exchanged numbers.

The thing is, he had a partner. For several weeks we would just chat on the phone, the conversation would get hotter eventually. He would always say how much he wanted to meet with me, etc. I never got a chance to see a picture of him, or even meet him in person…
With time, I realised that it was all just a game, and stopped talking to him.

Last years (8 years after this happened) someone messaged me on Grindr calling me by my name (which, I guess, always calls your attention). And…you guessed right! It was Mr. Partnered.

We had a long chat, and he even apologised… (at first I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about…).The thing is, he didn’t have a partner anymore! He is *really* hot, and hung and seems like a nice guy.

Problem? He just wanted to get laid.

Now, let me stop here for a minute, and explain first why I refused to meet with him at that stage:

First of all, I’ve grown tired of the random hook-up game. For real… It takes time and energy from me. Time and energy that I prefer to invest in something else.
I’m always up for a coffee, but that’s it.
I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s my way.

Also, It’s a very common behaviour amongst us humans to want what we cannot have. And somehow I felt that the only reason why he wanted to meet with me was to ‘finish’ what he had started 9 years ago. In a strange way, I can see how it can be a bit kinky…

But I refused. Not without having to make use of my strong will (as I said, he’s really handsome, hot, hung and charming!). Mainly, because I knew that once he had fulfilled this mini-fantasy, that’d be all…

After a few messages on WhatsApp I think he got the idea the I would not give in.

And yesterday, he messaged me again. Needless to say, he wanted to meet. The thing is….he is back with his partner! And yes, he still wanted to meet.

He has been with his partner for about 12 years. Twelve. Friggin’. Years. When I challenged that he said that he was ‘very sexual’. I couldn’t help myself replying ‘No, I’m sorry, you’re not’. We all have been there, and we all know that it’s not about the amount of sex, or even its quality, it’s about the thrill of getting something new.

What came next was something that it’s becoming a constant in my life: counseling for people I don’t want to counsel, about topics I don’t feel able to talk about – in a less that perfect context.

Questions like: ‘Why don’t you try and open relationship?’ and ‘Threesomes with your partner?’ were brought to the table. However, I feel that he will just keep doing whatever he’s doing.

12 years is a long time, and it get’s….easy and comfortable. I dare to say that it must be really hard to let go of that. At the same time, it must be hard to make something ‘new’ of it, something dynamic.

I am not going to get into the ethical side of it – it’s useless and, at the end of the day, it’s his choice.

Nevertheless, the whole topic puts me in a very uncomfortable position. On the one hand, a one-night-stand with someone that will not be able to offer me more than that, is probably the least I need right now. I have already had drama for the last 3 years, I want something nice now, even if it doesn’t last for long!

On the other hand, I am almost certain that I would have a great time with him, and I’m not talking just about the sex part. The thing is, I would just be sticking to some scraps from someone who, again, isn’t able or willing to give more.

As I said, not very relevant, but I just wanted to write this down to clear my mind.

Image: Symposium by Teseum