An Aries ENFJ, in a Nutshell

This situation just came to my mind, and I believe that it pretty much explains at least part of my personality as an Aries ENFJ.

While not a blog post in itself, I just felt like sharing it with you all!

If I were good at drawing I would have probably made a comic…but I am not!

[The Aries spends hours making unsolicited drawing]

*shows drawing to person*

Oh my…did you do that? It is quite good!
Reeeally? *explains drawing while the other person listens carefully and interested*
*stares, expectant*
Definitely! I can see how you did this here, and that there…and this here is amazing too!

[dies of happiness and runs to make another drawing]

Yes, it is the constant need of other people’s approval, to the point that we sacrifice ourselves and put time and effort to please them. Don’t get me wrong, we love doing it, but it is mainly because we find it rewarding.

Being carefully listened to, and getting feedback, is also a big deal for us.

The alternative, with a negative reaction, has a ‘Fuck you! You are the worst person ever’ as response, while looking at the drawing and wondering what is wrong with it and how can we improve it.

So! If you ever come across with an Aries ENFJ: Show that you care, in a very sincere way. And you will win and eternal, loyal, friend!

The Dating Games: Resuming

After my time offline I wasn’t really planning or thinking about dating. In fact, it’s been a long while since I last met up with someone…it just doesn’t pay off lately… However, last week I got a message from a guy on Grindr and I was in a good mood, so I engaged in a conversation. No picture first (meh!), but later he happened to be really handsome and attractive! I’m not going to lie, that definitely got my attention…

(And bear with me…this is going to be a ‘let’s put you in context first’, long, entry.)

Let’s call him Libra – and for those of you who know some Libra and Aries…you may already be thinking that…no, this won’t be easy.

Libra is in his mid-thirties, lovely blue eyes, lovely smiles…he works in another city (45 mins from here) but spends time in a house he’s got closer (20 mins from where I live).

We started chatting and eventually decided to meet the same day (or evening, rather). Friggin’ cold night. He came to pick me up and we went for a walk along the beach.

It was great, it really was. Although, I realised that he’s of the ‘teasing’ type (talking about jokes here!). This can be fun, but also annoying when you’re trying to avoid a ‘serious’ topic…And, in the long run, you just don’t know if he’s actually interested or just all pally…

The first ‘huh’ moment was when, after asking me if I had to go early home (to which I -obviously- replied ‘No’) he just drove me home.
As simple as that.

Now, call me paranoid, but I thought he just didn’t want thing to develop from there. As it happens…he did, later on (because we had a long conversation in the car) he told me that, since I had put me security belt as soon as we got in the car, he assumed I wanted to go home.
This part would be key in the following conversations.

game-of-dating-gay

It was nice nevertheless. We kissed (yay!). And the date ended.

The second ‘huh’ moment was chatting on WhatsApp. I was trying to ‘read’ him, to see if he enjoyed himself. At the end I just: ‘Hey, joke aside. I really enjoyed myself today! Would love to get to know you more, If you want, of course’.
Answer? ‘It’s just 20 mins.’

I wanted to be upset, but I just LOLed. I was maybe expecting a ‘Yeah, sure.’ But ‘It’s just 20 mins.’ Wasn’t ready for that!

He had to go back to the other city for work, so we kept chatting via WhatsApp…a lot… but still no sign of a clear, out-spoken interest. And yes, to me that’s important.
I need to know if the person is in, or not.

This weekend he has a couple of day, se he came back. Now, I was truly hoping that he’d make time for us to spend some quality time and get to know each other…but it didn’t happen.

The first day, he said he was going to a mall that was close to my house, and whether I wanted to join him, which I did. We had a nice time, and he drove me again home. More chatting and quite more kissing (a bit heated up this time!). He told me that he’d probably drive back to the other city the next day, and meet some friend before that, so I assumed that was it.

The third ‘huh’ moment is when I went back to Grindr to check first chat we had and I realised it wasn’t there. Weird. I thought I may have blocked him accidentally?
I opened the app in another device…and there he was.
I thought it was really weird…it’s not like we have anything yet…why blocking me?

In this situations I prefer to just talk with the person. ‘Hey! You didn’t have to block me on Grindr LOL *wink* *wink* Went to check some pics you sent me and you’re not there!’. 
Answer: ‘I deleted the app.’
Me: ‘You’re still online.’
Answer: ‘Must be my tablet, it keeps it always online automatically.’

Let’s get something clear. This is not a big deal. But I hate being lied to. I truly do. It just make it impossible for me to trust that person again.

(Note: Grindr profiles are individual across devices. Had he deleted his Grindr app, I wouldn’t be able to see that one, but would definitely be able to see the one in the app.
Note 2: I’m do IT stuff. If you’re going to lie, lie about stuff I don’t know about!)

Anyway, I decided not to mention it. I really wanted to give him a chance.

We had been joking about me giving him a massage, and me owing him the massage, etc… And yesterday evening (like 21h. evening) when I was hinting that ‘I’d have to do something for dinner’… he reminded me that I owed him that. I took his hint and offered to go where he lives, but then he noted that he couldn’t be awake until late…

Let’s stop here. Yes, I was expecting him to invite me to spend the night, or at least have dinner, or watch a film, or talk for hours! Anything really.

But not ‘Yeah come here give me a massage, but don’t stay long’. That’s sounds more like an ‘excused’ sex-date…which we all can get plenty off!

So I told him that it was going to get late, and if he was planning to be on the road early, we should better do it another day with more time.
Answer: ‘As you want. Just remember that I don’t live in this city.’

And I snapped.

For those who know Aries well…you know how it works. It’s just 5 mins. If you can endure it, everything is fine. And if you like the Aries, you will endure it. It pays off.

I told him that I was getting a bit tired of always taking the initiative, and only getting teasing and joking in return.

Some of the teasing hadn’t been very good either…It’s okay to tease, but sometimes it gets close to mocking. Asking whether I had ‘any gay friends’ (which I don’t really…not a gay scene person), joking about the ‘girly’ drinks (WTH is that even supposed to mean?) I usually drink… It’s just not nice.

So, of course, he kind of ‘WTF?’-ed. He didn’t like it. I realised it, but it was too late.

I tried to explain and elaborate — but I guess it was too late too.

We’re still chatting, and he said that he didn’t want to break contact. But, of course, it is not the same.

On the one hand, I know that I overthink everything…too much. That I might have been selfish here, expecting too much.

On the other hand, I am tired of putting so much  things that don’t give back to me. On someone that won’t at least say ‘Hey, I’m really looking forward to meet you again!’

And here I am, going through everything I said and thinking about whether I simply messed up very badly…or it wasn’t just me, and was doomed to happen.

Anyway, I’m glad to be back and be able to share some of this stuff here!

 

image: moon-drenched beach by André van Rooyen

When you are expected not to expect

Everybody knows how the story goes: You meet that guy. He is not too bad. You start talking, he looks nice…You say goodbye and then, in that precise moment, your mind starts working.

Does he actually fancy you? Will he call again? And if so, where will all this lead to? Is there a chance to have a more serious thing with him… And there, you rational mind yells: STOP!

Stop. If you continue, you will then start thinking how would that relationship be with him. Is it match? Is he the type of guy that will keep the spark, every day. Will he be okay in bed? Would he like that kind of commitment? How would it change your life? What about friend and family…

And there, you just did it. You already created a huge bunch of expectations – probably even thought about how some daily situation would be with him.

Now, why are expectations a taboo thing when meeting people? The theory says you will be starting to like a creation of yours, a guy that you have created in your mind based on a human prototype, not the actual person. But then, are we suppose to have no expectations at all? Just a few? Just after a second talk? A date? And what about distance relationships?

Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of spontaneous and organic things. One of my shorter but best relationships was with a guy I met in a wedding – trust me, totally unexpected. There was no time for expectations there, it all happened very quickly, and nicely.

However, when it is not quick and nice there is room to expect. I could blame it to my Aries character (“I want it all, and I want it now”), as a way to get something (even if it’s just fantasy) right away. But how dangerous can that be for the relationship? Am I already spoiling it all? Because when you start to expect, you also start trying to control the way you act, in order to get there – “there” being your expectations.

And more important: Is it expectation, or is it hope? Hope sounds definitely better, but an excess of it can be fatal as well.
Where is the balance between having two feet on the ground and hoping for a better change? And if that balance exists, is it the best choice?

Image

The place

Fear and Security by Martin Gommel

Fear and Security by Martin Gommel

We all need a place. A place to be. A personal space where we can sneak in anytime, express ourselves and leave – without being judged. 
Needless to said, friends can many times become this space. But they aren’t always around and most of the times they will try to give some feedback to our “expression” – and I am glad they do!
Some people have a diary, a journal, a notebook of memories and thoughts where they can express themselves. However, I have to admit that I have never been able to keep one – I can be very lazy, and get bored of things very quickly too.

But then I though that, since I am most of the time working in front of the computer, and I love creating new things, why not giving it a chance, in the shape of an online blog. That is, a place where I could not just “dump my thoughts” but also share them; whether they are relevant for the world or not. 

And so, here is the place! Not a big one, nor wonderful, but it is a place. 
A place where I will be sharing my thoughts, what crosses my minds, without thinking if it’s politically correct or not. After all, I have nothing to lose! 

Let there be the place!